How You Let the World Influence Your Decisions

“I don’t care what others think.”  It sounds so badass.  But it’s definitely not true in an absolute sense.  I can attest to this, as having Asperger’s makes me act in socially awkward ways without realizing it.  I can’t make eye contact very well, I say inappropriate things without fully realizing it, and I go way overboard explaining things because individual, detailed topics fascinate me much more than the person I’m talking to.  Yet I still care what they think; I just have a hard time helping myself.

You care what others think, too, of course.  You don’t, for example, wear underwear on your head (except for socially acceptable times like Halloween) or randomly yodel in public.  It’s up for debate whether you care because you want approval or simply so that you don’t get asked to leave, punched in the face, arrested, or institutionalized, but the point is that you care enough to adhere for the most part.  Notice how even the so-called “rebels” all seem to rebel in the exact same way with black clothing, tattoos, etc.; no one is wearing polka dot burlap tutus and giving themselves the nickname of, “Mr. Poopyhead” to fight the system.

So how exactly are you being influenced by others?  There are a variety of obvious ones we’ll start off with:

• Your appearance (e.g., clothing, makeup, grooming, heels)
• Your media consumption (e.g., movies, television, music, art)
• Your hobbies/leisure activities (e.g., sports, games, social events)
• Your job, schooling, or skills development (e.g., your major, your career, or your areas of expertise)
• Your associations (e.g., your friends, clubs)
• Your attributes (e.g., your name, speech patterns, personality)

Why is this?  It’s probably pretty obvious: for money, for fame/social status, for a friendship or relationship, and other desired outcomes.  Take, for example, names.  What sounds “cooler”: “Issur Danielovitch” or “Kirk Douglas”?  “John Roger Stephens” or “John Legend”?  “Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra” or “Meg Ryan”?  Stars change their names to become more memorable and, therefore, bankable all of the time.  Similarly, you might change your clothing to fit in with a certain group, start talking in a certain way, and take up a hobby or interest.  It’s almost cliché now to hear someone say, “I don’t really care for this, but everyone else seems to love it.”  So other people are influencing your choices every day—not just inconsequential decisions but sometimes life-changing ones (e.g., a man going to a certain college to be with his girlfriend).

The more interesting questions are, though, how does this work and how do you use that information to make more conscious decisions about when to live the way you want vs. the way that others have done in the past or want you to do?  Well, most people are unconsciously allowing them to be influenced because they believe that adapting will get them what they want (i.e., the list we mentioned in the previous paragraph).  These are the mechanisms in effect when this happens:

• Coercion (i.e., force) – The most obvious one is that (threat of) force is applied to make you comply.  In the real world, anyone can just lie, cheat, steal, kill, and do anything they want—once.  If they do those things, though, there will be consequences: retaliation, jail, even death.  So the threat of punishment is influencing your decisions, and you are making calculations about what you can do without facing those punishments as a result.
• Peer Pressure (i.e., fitting in) – If you like other people or simply believe that they are popular, you’ll want to do what they do to become or remain part of the group.  Evolution of social creatures included social behaviors like empathy and reciprocity that allow humans to trust each other and form emotional bonds.  Part of that is the fact that people like others who are like them, and so that’s why groups form around similar interests, personalities, or lifestyles.  So when you associate with people and want to develop any type of relationship with them, you make decisions as to how you will adapt to the group so that people want to include you.
• Desire/Need Fulfillment (i.e., giving people what they want) – This is the main mechanism behind doing things for monetary gain.  For all the hate that is levied at the system of free trade, what people don’t talk about enough is that the only way to make money in a free market is to deliver value to someone else.  That’s it.  If you want someone to do something for you (i.e., what money buys you: other people’s labor/goods), you have to do something for them.  And that’s by doing not what you want to do but rather what they want you to do for them.  So you’ll wear a tacky outfit, speak in a friendly manner, keep your contentious opinions to yourself, and behave in ways that please other people because that’s how you deliver value for them in exchange for the money you need to get others to do things that please you.  And so every decision you make regarding money is what you’re willing to do and how you’re willing to adapt to others’ wants and needs to provide that value in exchange for money.
• Social Norms (i.e., not bothering people) – This one is similar to two of the above but involves less coercion and peer pressure than those items.  Some things might not cause physical pain and might not be to please others but might be just to not cause a disturbance or discordance with the environment.  For example, yelling randomly is annoying, as is dancing or jumping around.  As such, restaurant staff will ask you to leave if you do that, and many people will avoid you as a result.  So it’s partially about “fitting in” but instead of pressuring you to be like them it’s more about just not bothering others and disturbing the social order.
• Judgment – Again, this might seem similar to others, but you can be judged by people who you don’t even know (see: social media) and change your behavior even if you don’t care about fitting in with their group and even if it’s not a social norm.  For example, you might change things about yourself if others make fun of you too much.  This can get extreme like in cases where people get cosmetic surgery to reduce the insults and shame they receive, such as lip reduction, nose jobs, etc.  It’s about avoiding the negative attention of others.  So every decision you make factors in how you might be judged for it.
• Reality (i.e., what exists) – One of the ways you’re influenced by the world around you is simply what is: you didn’t control where you were born, the genes your parents gave you, etc.  But even beyond that, you are influenced by changeable things that simply exist because someone else established them.  For example, why aren’t there four strikes for an out and four outs for a half-inning in baseball instead of three?  Someone else made those decisions, and you decide to follow those rules every time you play a game with three strikes and three outs.  Sure, there might be great reasons for those rules, like it’s a reasonable number to decide an at-bat or a good number to have before people get bored, but it’s still an artificial rule that can be changed.  Same with clothing standards, societal rules, and pretty much everything: there’s an element of the laws of physics, biology, etc. involved, but then there’s also the fact that someone just decided that it’s going to be that way and others still follow it.  Therefore, every decision you make is one where you determine whether to follow what is or do something new—and whether it’s worth changing if you feel the desire to do so.

Why does this matter?  Because once you identify that you’re making these decisions unconsciously, you can make them differently with your conscious awareness of them.  That way, you might make a different decision, change your mind later, or at least acknowledge your concession so that you resent it less.  It truly empowers you.

And I want to be absolutely clear: this is not one of those “don’t let anyone tell you what to do or who you are” kinds of posts—there are enough of those out there.  This is a “make conscious trade-offs so you come to terms with them or at least realize when it’s no longer worth it” post so you feel empowered when you choose to comply and are better off in the long run when you know when to buck social conventions and do things the way that you want to do them.

Knowing this, there are probably a lot of things you can change going forward.  Don’t want a big wedding?  Elope!  Don’t want to wear socks?  Don’t (unless there’s a dress code, of course)!  Don’t want to go to college or go into a field that your family or friends want you to?  Don’t!  The choices are yours.  Once you know that the worst that can happen with personal choices is that you will be judged and most people will adjust and forget about it within seconds/minutes/hours/days, you can make a choice that you prefer and get past the pressure that was holding you back.

Remember that most people recommend choices for you because they think they’d be best for you (often because they worked for themselves or others).  If it’s not best for you, then do the thing that is!  It’s that simple.  It’s not always easy, as you might face judgment or, at worst, there might be a law against it despite it not hurting anyone else (see: laws governing sexual activity or whether your business can be open on a Sunday), but you should determine when changing your behavior to (what you believe will) appease others is not worth the lost in terms of your meaning and happiness in life.  That’s why it matters why and how the world influences your behavior: so you can stop it if it’s not right for you and choose it if it is right for you.  That gives you power and meaning in your decision making, which is always good for how you can live your life to the fullest.