There is something that humans call “reality”—when referring to that, people usually are referring to:
The great news is that you have a lot of control over these three things. You can change your mindset and instantly feel better or behave differently in your life. You can move to a place you like better and with people, customs, etc. that match your lifestyle. You can build a shelter to protect yourself from rain and install plumbing to meet your hydration needs. There’s so much in this world you can do to make your life better.
However, you can’t control everything. Firstly, you can’t control other people’s thoughts and emotions. Yes, you can behave in a way that influences them, but they can always choose to ignore it. You also have a limited ability to control other people’s decisions and actions. You can set laws against certain behaviors, but in a free society, people have enough freedom and capability where they can break those rules. In a democratic system, you have a vote, but you can’t control how the country votes and, therefore, can’t control what laws you follow (unless there’s a place with better laws and you move there).
Unfortunately, we live in a society of instant gratification, and that has seeped into people’s expectations of everything in their reality, including other people. Because they can get almost every song or movie ever made from Apple or Amazon at the touch of a button, they want people to be that way, too. They can control who or what they hear through blocking people on social media, and they can control who they associate with, where they frequent, and who they do business with. This is all wonderful uses of control over their experience, but then they expect everyone to think, act, and be just like them or to please them at all times. Unfortunately for them, they cannot control other people without either being a hypocrite or giving up their own freedom.
Now, you might think that this is a silly post: people expecting the world to change. But it happens everywhere in modern times. There are people who actively make themselves miserable until the world changes. Hunger strikes, social media posts, movements, and other visible means of displaying one’s displeasure for the current state of reality abound. Now, there is a good side and a bad side to this: the good side is that it’s within their control to state your opinion and try to have rules or systems work in a better way. The bad side is that they want to control other people, which beyond preventing someone from hurting someone else oppressive at best and impossible (or will result in a worse outcome) at worst.
The one that I’ve seen the most that is beyond healthy is the one where the person screams, “I shouldn’t have to [insert thing that any responsible adult would do to keep themselves safe]. Teach others not to [insert bad behavior].” Yes, it’s nice to live in a safe environment, and it’s nice to feel safe. But this is what departs from reality: reality isn’t safe. You can get eaten by a bear, hit by a car, robbed, shot, beaten up, raped, or poisoned. That is life, and it’s your responsibility to protect yourself against those things. You can set all the laws you want, but you can’t control everything. The idea that bad things happen simply because someone else (those are the key words) didn’t do their job to prevent them from happening to you is disempowering at best (because you can’t control it) and oppressive at worst (because you try to control everyone around you).
While I don’t often make ethical recommendations, it is generally safe to point out that if the near-universal ethics of society are fairness, reciprocity, and minimal harm (I go into detail on how these three things are the basis of human trust in The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose), then you’re breaking the fairness ethic by applying rules to others that you don’t follow—or you’re oppressing people, who will then reciprocate and try to oppress you. You’re doing it in the name of minimal harm (one of the core ethics), but other people will then see the core violations and violate them toward you in return. It’s a losing battle, making yourself and others worse off in the end.
There’s a reason for the Serenity Prayer (the ability to control the things you can, the will to not worry about the things you can’t, and have the wisdom to know the difference): there are things you can control and things you can’t. If you worry about the things you can’t, you’ll be miserable. If you don’t do anything about something you can control, then you’re not going to realize your full potential. If you don’t know the difference, you’ll keep making those two mistakes. If you try to control what you shouldn’t, you’ll face retaliation.
My answer to what you can’t control in life is always, “Buy insurance.” Of course, I mean that figuratively as well as literally. Life is about managing risk. To do anything worth doing in life, you’ll face risk. If you reproduce, they might be born with an illness or disability. If you get a job, you might not like it. If you move to a new town, you might not fit in with the culture there. If you go outside, something bad could happen. All you can do is strive for what you want in life while minimizing the probability and impact of negative consequences. Screaming at the world to change is not likely to achieve meaningful results (with some exceptions, of course). What will achieve results is taking actions within your control to increase the probability of positive outcomes and decrease the probability of negative outcomes.
Yes, it would be nice if everyone lived in harmony and there was not war, illness, murder, rape, poverty, homelessness, sadness, discomfort, inconvenience, pain, lying, cheating, infidelity, hatred, or death. But we don’t live in that world. As such, do what’s within your control and spend less time screaming about other people’s thoughts, words, and actions. Outside of directly stopping something from happening, it’s likely not doing much, and you’re not helping yourself, either. And, of course, there’s always the interesting scenario of getting the outcome you want but not liking how it’s achieved (recent example: wanting to be safe but then being angry that the national guard was called to help—be careful what you wish for?).
In short, you can’t control everything. That’s okay. Control what you can. You can control a lot without infringing on anyone else’s rights or getting into conflict with people who will try to retaliate against you. Worry about yourself and try to help others. And “buy insurance”—have friends who can help you when you’re down, money for when you might lose your income, literal insurance if anything happens to your home or vehicle, or a Plan B if your first chosen path isn’t working out the way you thought it would. Because you can’t control everything, but you can control your own destiny with your decisions and actions each and every day.