Life can seem strange sometimes. People point out that you always want what you can’t have and take what you do have for granted. People point out that it would be nice to be happy all the time and always have what you want and need. It seems illogical.
But that’s a modern interpretation of the world based on the fact that billions of people worked until we live with the most amazing conveniences. We have everything from air conditioning to food delivery by app to access to nearly every song and movie ever made at the touch of a button. So it seems like life is silly in that people should be able to hit a button and solve all of their problems.
None of that, though, is what life is about. Life is about growth, and growth involves the existence of an organism in a current state transitioning into a greater future state. So, by definition, you cannot be perfect. You have to lack something to grow toward it. Whether it’s lacking a skill or an experience, you go from not having it to having it through growth.
Whether you believe that we’re just here in this physical space for the duration of our lives or you believe that God (or you in a non-physical form) chose for you to be here, that’s why you’re here. There are interesting beliefs about why that is, from New Age claims that you’re here to experience “expansion” or “limitation” (the ideas being that you are in an expanding universe or that your spiritual form is unlimited and so doesn’t know what limitation feels like) to religious claims about you being here to live the way of God. None of that is provable, though, so we’ll stick with the scientific proof that all living organisms grow as the fundamental property of life (cell division and reproduction being examples of that).
So, given that the only way to grow is to transition from a current state to a future state, something has to motivate you to behave in ways that get you toward that future state. That motivational force has to identify a lack in your life and stimulate you into action. That force is known as desire.
If you are hungry, you want food. If you are thirsty, you want water. If you are lonely, you want friends or a relationship. For Current State -> Growth -> Future State to happen deliberately, you have to have Lack -> Desire -> Action -> Attainment -> Fulfillment. That’s the way the world works (I didn’t make it that way, so don’t shoot the messenger).
What can you do with that information? You use it to give yourself direction. If you are ever lost, you need to identify and define your goal and where you are in relation to it so that you can move toward it. If you need food and don’t have it, you now have a goal to go get it. If you want a certain amount of money for a desired living standard, you now know that you have to find the profession that will earn the money you’re looking to make. So you can’t have growth without lack, and you can’t have desire without lack. That’s why lack has to exist in your reality: no lack, now possibility of growth.
Once you know this, hopefully you’ll stop hating the world as it is and accept that that is the point. Lack is not about punishment and not about “not being good enough” (that’s a “feeling of lack”); it is simply about not having someone you want to give you a reason to act in this world. There is a reason why drug users famously lie around when they get high: their brain is so overwhelmed with pleasure-inducing chemicals that they can’t function. There’s no drive to act because the brain is overwhelmed with pleasure as if it has accomplished what it was supposed to (that’s the brain’s reward system). That’s why there are very few motivated, successful drug addicts. It’s also why overnight fame and success can turn people into drug addicts: they either have everything they need provided for them and so need to cure the resulting boredom associated with having nothing left to strive for, or they were using the fame and money to try to fill a lack that couldn’t be filled with that and so they switched to drugs to try to fill it instead. In the former case, their addiction stemmed from a lack of lack, whereas in the latter case it came from a lack that they were trying to fill in the wrong way.
There are a few key takeaways from this information:
I’ll end this post with two techniques to help make these insights actionable. The first is to diagnose what you are lacking if you feel a sense of lack. By acknowledging that what you lack might not be material or chemical, you will avoid addictions like drugs, shopping, or gambling. If you feel an emptiness, you can see if you can fill it with wholesome activities like volunteering, social gatherings, or other ways to spend quality time instead of seeking the next high. It may save you from going down the wrong path trying to fill a hole in your heart.
The second is to ask yourself, “Would you rather…?” and state the negative consequences of the state you think you would rather have than the one you are in. For example, I grew up poor, missing out on things my classmates got to do growing up. I could resent the universe for that, but I worked hard and am successful now, and all I can think is, “Would I rather have started out wealthy where I wouldn’t appreciate it like I do now?” That is absolutely true, and it eliminates that negative emotion. This is like a positive form of Aesop’s Sour Grapes fable where the fox lied to himself after not being able to get the grapes. In this case, though, you are telling the truth to yourself to stop a negative emotion.
“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” is a saying referring to the fact that you perceive things you don’t have as better than they are. To stop doing that, you have to stop looking at the lack in your life and the abundance elsewhere because you’re ignoring the abundance in your life and the lack in others’ lives. So, correct yourself. Are you mad that you’re not a rock star? Would you rather be a rock star with a self-destructive drug addiction? I’m guessing not. That’s not to say that you have to have a drug addiction to be a rock star; it’s just pointing out the fact that you want to be all the positives of your own life and all the positives of someone else’s life without the negatives of either. That’s not a realistic, fair comparison. Ensure that you are not glamorizing the life you don’t have and belittling the life you do.
Lack is a necessary part of life. It’s required to fuel desire to drive action that leads toward growth, which is the point of life. The sooner you stop hating reality for the way it works and accept it, the sooner you can take healthier steps toward making your life better.