5 Examples of How Reciprocity Affects Our Ethics and Behavior

Reciprocity is one of the three near-universal societal ethics (the others being fairness and minimal harm; they are near-universal since they sometimes conflict with each other).  Reciprocity has evolved in social animals over millions of years—cooperative behavior increases survivability, while anti-social behavior hinders it.  Therefore, groups require rewards for pro-social behavior and (the threat of) punishment to disincentivize an individual from benefitting at the expense of others.  The only way for this to be executed consistently is if animals have a built-in mechanism to respond to the behavior that they are witnessing in others in a similar fashion.

Reciprocity is so fundamental to how we interact with others that it is engrained in our instincts, social norms, and laws.  Here are five ways that it shows up in common sayings and beliefs in our society and what you can do to optimize your use of this ethic:

• “Tit for tat” – The most obvious is the rule that when someone behaves in away toward you, you should respond in kind.  This is the core concept of reciprocity in ethical form.  If someone treats you well, you should treat them well.  If they give you a gift or do you a favor, you should find a way to help them later or return the favor.  If they cheat you or harm you, you need to punish them or see their behavior continue.  While this can create vicious cycles like blood feuds and wars, rewards and punishments are necessary to keep people working in mutually beneficial ways.

• “Treat others how you want to be treated.” – As a result of the above knowledge that people will generally respond in kind, your ethical behavior when treating someone else would be to proactively treat them in ways that you want to be treated.  By doing so, they will feel an instinctual, social, and moral obligation to reciprocate.  This obligation can be overwritten by cultural norms, individual ethics, and external factors, so there is a risk to treating someone too well first if you do not know whether they will be as generous to you.  However, you can generally start with basic etiquette and manners and use their behavior toward you in response as an indication of whether they have similar ethics to you where they will reciprocate kind acts (or at least show gratitude).

• “An eye for an eye” – Of course, there is a negative side to reciprocity: retaliation.  If someone hurts you, the natural inclination is to hurt them back in at least the same amount/degree of their transgression.  In terms of providing a disincentive, the retaliation has to be the same or more for the initiating party to believe that their harmful behavior will have a net-negative result for them so that their rational conclusion is to avoid the behavior.

• “The punishment should fit the crime.” – The restriction on the previous point is that the reciprocation cannot be excessive to the point of being unfair to the transgressors.  As mentioned at the beginning, fairness is one of the other near-universal ethics that the ethic of reciprocity cannot violate too much without the former overriding it.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, if the punishment is unfair, there becomes a reasonable argument that the original transgressor is now the victim and needs justice.  Secondly, going beyond the original act in the punishment begins an escalation process that results in a battle between the two parties that might be exponentially more harmful.  The only way to preserve fairness and prevent escalation is to ensure that justice is done and no further.

• Karma/Law of Attraction/Punishment in the Afterlife – The reciprocity ethic is so engrained in our instincts and beliefs that it has found our way in our beliefs about the universe and beyond.  Reciprocity shows up in the concept of karma, where your acts toward others influence your future incarnations.  It also shows up in the Law of Attraction or belief that your reality reflects or is influenced by your thoughts, desires, and beliefs in a non-physical way.  Finally, most religions have some sort of punishment in the afterlife for deeds done in the physical world.  In all examples, these beliefs reflect the innate desires and beliefs in humans that reciprocity is fundamental and necessary to our existence in this world.

Knowing how these five examples affect how we behave in society, there are a few ways that you can use these to your advantage (even the last one for the skeptics who do not believe in those forces):

• Set up proper incentive systems to get the behavior you want – If you want a group that you lead or manage to behave in the best way possible, you have to look at the incentive structure that you have in place.  If you reward people for bad behavior, you’ll see more bad behavior.  If you reward them for being negligent or bad at something, you’ll get more negligence or seeming incompetence.  People rise (or lower) to your level of expectations, and they also do more things that benefit them or they can get away with.  You need to set rewards and punishments and enforce them consistently, or you will see people rampantly exploit the system.

• Assume positive intent/Trust until they give you a reason not to – If you know that people will respond in kind to how you treat them, then you have to give them the benefit of the doubt at first.  If you assume that they are bad, then they will either/both assume that you are bad (because you are treating them poorly) or/and will act badly (because you are treating them poorly and they might as well act the way you’re accusing them if they’re already being punished for it).  If you want to prevent a bad relationship, you have to treat others with respect first.  Yes, you should start with small things so you don’t open yourself up to too much risk at first, but if you treat everyone with suspicion then you might lose more than you gain in risk aversion.

• Show self-respect and the willingness to stand up for yourself – You don’t have to flex your muscles or punch the biggest person in the room to show that you are not someone that should be messed with.  Stand up straight with your shoulders back, take care of your appearance, and practice exuding confidence and respect toward others in your interactions.  Not only will they respect you in response, but the ones with nefarious intent will be less likely to try to take advantage of you or harm you.  It’s not the act of reciprocity that prevents most transgressions but rather the belief that you are the kind of person with the willingness and ability to retaliate if provoked.

• Prioritize justice over revenge – Revenge is the negative part of humans’ reciprocity instinct: it consumes the harborer and often causes a response that is way worse than the initial act.  Calm yourself down, work with neutral third parties to resolve the situation, and focus on what would right the wrong vs. what would punish the offender where possible.  If you lead with revenge, you might do something you might regret and potentially make more enemies who would’ve been on your side and helped you resolve the issue had you not retaliated disproportionately to the offense.

• Align your experiences, desires, and beliefs as much as possible – Regardless of your belief system, it is agreed upon by both the scientific community as well as the spiritual community that your desires, beliefs, and experiences influence your well-being and shape your attitude and behaviors.  The most hardened realist would agree that beliefs should be optimistic to leverage self-fulfilling prophecy, that desires should be managed to keep you striving toward your goal, and that your experiences should be managed to maximize beneficial ones and minimize negative ones.  The spiritual community will go one more step and say that the more you desire and believe, the more you will receive in response for that hunger and faith, but this recommendation applies even if you do not take that leap of faith (pun intended).

As you can see, reciprocity is not just an ethic that forms the basis of many platitudes but it also can inform deeper changes to how you think about yourself and your relationship with others to get the greatest outcomes for all involved.  Use it wisely, and you will treat others appropriately and be treated appropriately in return as much as possible.