I wrote a blog post a few years ago about standing out vs. fitting in that was pretty popular. It seems like people are always trying to optimize the degree to which they stand out in a good way but fit in where sticking out would be negative. For example, no one would walk around wearing underwear on their head if they wanted to be accepted by the board of directors of a large corporation. However, they would want to learn to play the guitar or perform magic tricks if they wanted to be the life of the party. So, it’s an interesting mix of being similar enough to others to make friends and get along with others while being extraordinary in an area or two so that you have some sort of value in a social setting.
So that brings us to the fact that these considerations all revolve around our relationship to others. Effectively, we are social creatures and so need various relationships in our lives for our mental and emotional well-being: parents, friends, spouses, teachers, children, and coworkers are examples of the kinds of relationships that can help you thrive in life. So, if you need to establish these relationships, can you truly live by the idea that you shouldn’t care what other people think? What does that really mean, and how do you live by it in the optimal way for your life?
Well, it should be noted that the intention behind not caring what other people think is about doing what you want to do in life without letting external pressure cause you to abandon your dreams or what makes you happy. That’s the intent. So if you want to be a dancer but are afraid that others will make fun of you, the point of not caring what others think is to not let that social pressure prevent you from pursuing that path. It would be worse for you to live a life that you don’t really want than it would be to occasionally have someone make fun of you for your life choices. That’s the intent of not caring what others think.
Unfortunately, some people take this to the extreme. You know these people as the ones who proudly proclaim things like, “I tell it like it is,” “I don’t care if that offends you,” or, “I am who I am, whether you like it or not.” While that is also an example of the person following the idea of not caring what other think, it switches the intention of the statement from, “I do what I want to do; let them talk,” to, “I will be mean and don’t care if it hurts your feelings.” Those are two different interpretations of not caring what others think.
So, should you care what others think? The answer is probably what you’d expect: listen to people who you care about in case their advice is useful (i.e., protecting you from harm), but you are responsible for your life choices and so can go a path different than the one that others think is best for you. If you know what you want in life, then don’t let others discourage you. However, if you don’t care about others’ feelings when you interact with them, one or both of two things will be true: you’ll hurt people who you care about and/or you will hurt that relationship. If you don’t care what they think in that respect, then you are communicating to them that you don’t really care about them. Valuing someone else’s opinion is a form of showing that you care and respect another person, and so caring what they think is important in a relationship. It’s when you do things out of fear of embarrassment that people you don’t have a relationship with—classmates, community members, or other people who you only know because of your colocation—that will cause you to potentially make the wrong move. Sure, there are likely good kinds of fear like the aforementioned wearing underwear on your head to school or work, but there are also the bad kinds of fear like not trying out for the baseball team if that’s your true passion because you have a little stage fright.
So, do you care about what others think about you? I know that I do—I try to behave normally all the time because I otherwise stick out for my quiet, socially awkward behavior. Caring what others think in that respect is not too big of a deal because you’re not sacrificing much other than possibly wearing something that stands out, shouting in public, or skipping around instead of walking where you’re going. In the grand scheme of life, those are not sacrifices that will really prevent you from living your life to the fullest. But if you are a singer and won’t sing in front of other people, then that might be an issue if you would like to do it full time as a job so you don’t have to do that in your off hours while maintaining a day job. It’s the point at which caring about what someone else thinks stops you from being the best version of yourself where it becomes an issue.
In the most extreme versions of this, we see people who have fake relationships for social clout—this includes fake celebrity relationships, gay people having a fake straight relationship, and fake friends to be with the in-crowd. While that might be worth it to you because of the money or social status you get from it, it might also be killing you inside. Only you can make that decision, so you’ll have to evaluate whether you are living a fake life and whether it’s worth it to you to be inauthentic for whatever benefits you’re getting. We all put on a front in social situations, as shown by how people act differently when they’re on camera or when they talk to their parents, friends, teachers, etc., so it’s not intrinsically wrong to do it. But if it makes you feel bad and stops you from being happy, then it’s worth reconsidering your choices. Just know that all choices involve trade-offs, and so it might very well be that you have to be a little less wealthy or famous in exchange for being true to yourself.
So, yes, you should care what people you care about think. But you shouldn’t let them stop you from doing what makes you feel happy and fulfilled in life if you are feeling trapped and inauthentic otherwise. But you will have many goals in life, so you have to weigh the costs and benefits for doing what you want to do and what others think of you. Don’t worry about people you’re not friends with from making jokes or insulting you, but do worry enough about your friends and family where you take their concerns into consideration—even if you ultimately make a different choice. If you decide to go pro a year before graduating college in defiance of your parents’ advice, for example, then it might be the right choice for you but know that your parents just care that you have an education and good post-athletics career options. It’s okay to care what others think and still do what you want, anyway; the misnomer regarding that phrase is that you shouldn’t care about others’ opinions when it’s really about not letting social pressure change your behavior or decision making to make your life worse for you.
As long as you are not letting people pressure you into doing things that are bad for you that you don’t want to do—drugs, crime, sex, the wrong profession, etc.—then you can care what others think but still make the decisions that are best for you. However, if you are easily influenced, then it’s good advice that once you know what you want to do that you stop caring what others think about it—because caring might lead you astray. Just remember that you should care about your loved ones’ feelings, as that’s not what “not caring what others think” is about—it’s about living your best life, not being a jerk.